these socks have no traction

New sign up in my neighborhood.

2011-09-11T18:33:00.000-04:00

Where are we supposed to domp! now?

Adventures in my Job Search

2010-08-22T19:42:00.001-04:00

Hi Malin,

I had a dream the other night that someone called me and asked whether you'd be interested in a wonderful job writing TV scripts --- in Boston. Then I woke up.

Love, Grandma

Records and a Packrat

2010-05-21T21:46:00.005-04:00

My last post earned a record 13 comments. That might not be a record, but I don't feel like looking through the archives. I hope this post can get to 14, maybe with more from real-life humans.

Right now I am packing. Here is a collection of items I am struggling over whether to save or throw away as I pack of my college things for the last time. Keep in mind some of these items have been with me for multiple years.1. A pair of 3D glasses I kept after seeing A Christmas Carol.

2. A stress apple that hurts my hand to squeeze.
3. 2 name tags that capitalize my name incorrectly.
4. A gigantic, tie-dye button that says "R [sic] U [sic] Masking Your Feelings? Get Screened!"

Advice appreciated.

Ducks

2009-12-10T00:57:00.004-05:00

Ducks are fine. Here is a list of other things I like:
candy
pineapple
baked goods
time to get specific fo a minute
twerpz
twizzlers
chocolate
sour patch kids
reeses
muffins
coffee
ideas for life plans

Life Plan

2009-11-17T19:41:00.002-05:00

I don't have one right now. Ideas? If you're going to say movie star, don't because it's already on the list. You could still say TV star because I didn't think of that one until just now and haven't had time to write it down yet.

Also, I want to be one of those blogs that posts cool internet stuff all the time, but I don't have the time to search for the cool internet stuff.

Many problems in life right now (see above). Thank you for your help in advance.

malin's post

2009-11-08T02:44:00.004-05:00

sup internet

blogs are good. hi kyle. hi caitlin. hi david. kyle says hi. i luvvvvvvvvvvvv the world. "say kyle says wut up." "kyle says hello malin's parents who reads this blog. malin is dying but kyle doesnt want to call an ambulance bc it's gonnna cost you like 1700 dollars. when i took one it cost 1700 dollars but i was internally beleeding. it was blue cross blue shield in case you were wondering."

sup.

hey chase davenport i met you at a dodgers game. tell your roommate to post on this blog.- kyle mack

Great News

2009-10-16T14:43:00.003-04:00

I just got a new computer, but that is not the great news. The great news is that all the time I will save by not having to reboot my computer every time it blue screens will be put toward blogging efforts. That is, until this computer starts to deteriorate because it is not a Mac (Billing, 2009).

Actually, this post is not full of great news because I just realized that all the time I used to spend thinking up good ideas for the blog is gone now and has been replaced with doing schoolwork. I have always been a problem solver,* though, so do not worry. I will come up with a way to reconcile these facts. Until then, expect meta-posts about blogging with little to zero substance.

*helloooo, future employers.

Oh hey, competition.

2009-10-12T02:16:00.003-04:00

Well, it sure has been a while. Due to recent developments in the blogosphere, I may need to start blogging again. My reign as best Mather blogger on the 8th floor is in jeopardy, and I hate jeopardy. Please don't stalk me.

Will I post inspirational things like this other blogger?
No. Unless you are inspired by scary cats.

Will I talk about how much I love my family like this other blogger?
No. Well yes, but only when I say that I love my readers. My mom and dad are my biggest readers.

Will I embarrass faithful readers by posting their attempts at modeling on my blog like this other blogger?
Never. I would never do that to people I love (see what I did there?).

I will probably be posting slam poetry vids though. By me. Whatttt???? Knock knock! It is the pizza man. Knock knock! It is the wing delivery man. Knock knock! I am not hungry anymore; go away, delivery men.

A New Direction

2009-08-26T21:53:00.002-04:00

Hello all. I've decided to take the blog in a new direction. You may have guessed this from the title of the entry. I will henceforth be blogging about my personal life and the things going on in it. I'll refer to my boyfriend in a secret code 'BF' so as to hide his identity. I will also call my best friend by the same secret code, so things should get pretty interesting. Am I going on a date with my boyfriend or my best friend?? Tricky. This is a mystery blog.

I'm also going to tell funny anecdotes that you can all relate to. Like just two days ago I ate dinner and then had to go to the bathroom.* Am I alone in this or do these things happen to you too?? Let me know in the comments section if you have any idea what I'm talking about. I feel like I'm going craAaAaAzy, know what I mean???

Well, it's time to get back to real life - drama, drama, drama, all the time - life is nuts! Also, everything is really ironic these days :/. Am I living my own reality show? Or a sitcom? lolz :) Oh no, now I have to pack! Do you guys hate packing too? I know, it's so hard! ;)

Peace in the Middle East!! (no really, I would like that ;)

*I actually had to go like 3 times. I was going to leave that out, but that would be unfair to all of you. I don't want to mislead you guys.

Encounter with a cat

2009-08-11T21:12:00.008-04:00

Me: [really wanting juice, goes to convenience store]
Cat: [lying in wait in back of convenience store]
Me: [not seeing any juice she wants in the front of the store, heads to the back]
Cat: [speaking in cat language and shaking] HISSSSSSSS! I'M SCARY.
Me: [jumps, speed walks all the way around a long display of food items]
Cat: [follows redheaded girl, still being scary as shit]
Me: [speed walks out of store as if she has just shoplifted]
Owner and Cat: [high five]
Owner: Good work.
Cat: You really mean that? I wasn't sure if I went overboard with the shaking stuff.
Owner: No, no, I mean it - that staring her down part was great.
Cat: Ah, thanks man, I really appreciate you letting me practice on all your customers like this.
Owner: No problem. Half of these people would probably steal from me anyway. You're helping me out. Good luck with the audition bud.
Cat: Alright, thanks again - I'll let you know how it goes. [feeling confident, winks and nods as if to say 'what up' to an entering patron and exits store]

END SCENE.

Readership problems.

2009-07-27T17:38:00.004-04:00

Let's get real, fans. No one's reading this any more. (Actually, there is still one visitor a day pretty much. Sometimes two. But are they reading?) Is it because I stopped posting? I'm really sorry, but I've been busy twittering. It's this new thing - ah, I won't get into it. Don't wanna bore the ole gang with this new-fangled tech-speak. Trust me when I say that the Twitter machine is a complex one. Basically, I'm living in the fast lane. But vintage is trendy. Could be good to kick it retro for a bit - you feel me?

With that gem in mind, I've decided to start blogging again. You might have read in the press about another blog I began. Well it still exists and has approximately 5 posts. Gotta start small in this business. I used small literally there. If you really want to get into Club Internet, you should get a small computer. It is trendy now. (So many mentions of trends - why yes, I am living in big NYC for the summer! The Trendy City - uh yeah, just coined that. Like the Windy City? So good! It's like I never left.)

Did I tell you I've been trying out hot yoga? Ha! Of course I haven't because I haven't blogged in over a week, and I just started it a week ago. You guessed it - it's a trendy thing. When I say hot yoga I do not mean sexy yoga. I am scared that when I tell people about it they get the wrong idea. Is it with a pole? No, it is with buckets and buckets of sweat and smelly people. It is 'hot' because the room is 100 degrees F. It sucks. You get lightheaded and have to sit down sometimes. I am worried because I just used the word s*xy. What kind of audience is going to flock to my blog now? One that enjoys s*x and internet sites about it. Ick. Bye guys!

Exciting News

2009-03-05T12:57:00.002-05:00

I will be starting a new blog with a friend!! We will, however, be anonymous. I bet you can't guess what friend it is either. Assume that the next super popular weblog you come across is written by us.

Not to worry - this one will not receive any less attention than it is already receiving.

What a surprise!

2009-02-27T00:16:00.003-05:00

This entire year I thought this girl was Jewish, but then she had ashes on her forehead this Wednesday. I can't believe it. I guess she could be Italian. My mind has been blown!!!

February thoughts. Thoughts on February or in February? READ 2 FIND OUT!

2009-02-04T19:38:00.004-05:00

It has come to my attention that many readers (around 2) have found this blog after Google image searching "Happy Valentine's Day." On the 5th results page, the No Traction duck is featured prominently thanks to my Valentine's Day post from last year. It is among pages of pink hearts and flowers and shit. The funniest part of this is that Valentine's Day for ducks is in like October.

I guess now would be a good time to warn you that I'll probably be so busy with my thirty different dates that I won't have time to post on this year's v-day too. I know, I know. "But Malin you post every day - how will I get by?" And "Malin, you are recycling jokes that were only sort of funny the first time." Ahhhhh I am in a rut and am working on it. These things take time. I hope this display of my vulnerable side will not cause my readership to decline. It occurred to me that most successful blogs spend less time worried about their readership than mine does. This is something I am trying to change - by becoming successful? Or by stopping the readership mentions? We'll see. How do you define success anyway? Landing a tissue in a trash can two feet away from you? Yes. Also: refraining from mentioning someone's little brother by name in a conversation when you only know that name from that person's facebook albums. Did I mention that this person is not a facebook friend of yours? God, I am good.

Later, cats. Sort of like Laser Cats but in no way affiliated with SNL or funny things. How bad was Steve Martin last week, am I right? Isn't he supposed to be a legend or something??!?!?! That banjo business was weird too. Seeya.

Chillin' with my Chromies

2009-01-22T02:00:00.005-05:00

I just got Google Chrome. It told me it downloads in seconds. What does that even mean, am I right???? Google is cray-zee!! ^_^ Because when you think about it, an entire day is just like a whole bunch of seconds!!!?

This download took under a minute. I got this new browser because Mozilla kept crashing on me. Chrome also crashes on me. Could this be related to the general computer crashings that have plagued you for the past two months? No way, mannn. You don't understand computers. Could this have anything to do with that error message that still popped up after they fixed your computer when you were still in the computer shop(pe) [because some of those guys there are like way old, get it??]? The message they disabled from popping up, but of which they didn't investigate the source? We'll never know yay! Computers are so tricky! Tricky like Halloween, which equals fun and wearing a sweat suit underneath your pumpkin costume. And losing teeth. I once lost three teeth on Halloween. Maybe it was two.

You know those studies where they found that old people held off on dying until after important holidays or events in their lives? My baby teeth were like very unusual old people. God, they loved Halloween.

Duck 4 Prez. This will be a stupid post.

2009-01-22T01:45:00.003-05:00

"We'll never have another white president." - my grandmother,* upon Obama's election

"Watch me." - the No Traction duck

Whoa, what a political blog we have turned into!

* I don't know the exact quote, but it is something like that - something completely wrong, out of left field, and perhaps a little racist.

Chris Brown and I are very similar.

2008-12-17T01:46:00.003-05:00

Why do the neighbors stare and call my parents to come take me back inside the house when I dance in the street?

CVS has started already too.

2008-11-15T01:10:00.001-05:00

Is it too early for this? It's not too early for this, right?

So obvi

2008-11-06T22:56:00.001-05:00

JUST CALL HER!!! ON YOUR CELL PHONE!!

Photography like this belongs in museums.

2008-08-10T16:10:00.005-04:00

A real Land of Enchantment would have no phlegm.

Political Endorsements by Malin

2008-05-13T16:20:00.004-04:00

My mom discovered this but lacks a blog, so I decided to do the public a favor and spread the knowledge. Do you know what the Obama children are named?

Malia and Natasha. I bet I am reading your mind right now. Those names sound so similar to some other siblings' names I know. Those other siblings [actually just one now] author a very popular and wildly successful web-log.

Yes! Obama totally copied my parents, which means that he has pretty good judgment and must be very, very smart. Vote for him!! Try to base most political decisions on the similarity of my family's names to those of the candidates' children.

SPMB*

2008-04-23T23:12:00.006-04:00

I've discussed J. Holiday's work before, and I'll do it again. Let's now bring our attention to his song "Suffocate," a song that I have been hearing way too much of recently despite the fact that it is semi-old. I do not like this song, and I mean that not in the way in which I 'hate' "Glamorous." Anyway, the lyrics to the chorus are as follows:

I can't breathe when you talk to me.
I can't breathe you're touching me.
I suffocate when you're away from me....

I just did some math, and that adds up to zero breathing time.** Just speaking from personal relationship experience (of which I have like tons - maybe I've mentioned that before?), being alive is usually better for this type of thing.

On the other hand, isn't it kind of weird how he can sing about this but not breathe? Yes. Pretty suspect. I think it is safe to say that J. Holiday is a liar. Next time someone tells you that he can't breathe, just think about this case. Liars don't deserve help.

*Shitty, popular music blog for those of you who are new or have forgotten.
** Yeah, yeah, except for when they are together and not touching or talking. But I think I know J. well enough to say that this never happens.

Cowboys? More like cowdorks.

2008-04-22T22:15:00.001-04:00

This new Lexicon feature on facebook is cool. I think I am going to use it to answer lots of life's questions - a virtual Magic 8 ball of sorts. Are you cooler than I am, according to this "tally of the number of users that posted each term per day on a profile, event or group Wall"? No. Am I cooler than John Wayne? Yes, like extremely so, but Mr. Wayne should not take it personally because he died before facebook's time and because dead people can't really take things personally.

New Slang

2008-03-29T21:30:00.002-04:00

I just came up with this one:

Instead of saying athlete, I will now say 'thlete.

"Oh man, what a 'thlete."
"Michael Jordan is perhaps the greatest 'thlete of all time."

- But Malin, this is kind of an abbreviation and not actually slang.
- Yes, but 'New Abbreviation' is not the title of a song that I like, and abbreviations are for middle schoolers.

Celebrity look-alikes!

2008-03-29T00:01:00.003-04:00

On this website you can upload a picture of yourself, and it tells you which celebrities you most resemble. Or, I should say, it lies about which celebrities you most resemble. Penelope Cruz and Jessica Alba? I appreciate it, website, but at least choose someone halfway believable.

Taptime - like naptime but noisier and beginning with the letter 't'

2008-03-12T00:10:00.004-04:00

Do you know how to shuffle? I mean like in tap dance?

iTunes shuffling is different than this. Non tappers might think shuffling in tap dance means running around a room making noise however you feel like it, playing songs by the same artist in a row even though no one wants you to, and revealing to everyone your huge collections of New Found Glory and Nickelback*. But it's not. You are welcome for the free dance lesson.

*Get it??? I hate those bands and would never have them in my music collection! Taptime is also joketime!!

I did not actually read this article.

2008-02-20T00:20:00.001-05:00

"'It's very deep, like in a forest on the darkest night,' said Shawn-Yu Lin, a scientist who helped create the material at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, N.Y. 'Nothing comes back to you. It's very, very, very [yes, three verys] dark,'" says this article from the Washington Post on the new black that scientists have developed. They are calling it "the darkest substance ever made" - I'm gonna go ahead and call it racist. Another physicist had this to say: "The more black the material the better." I think I've made my point.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T22:59:00.002-05:00

I don't know how I had time to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day on this day full of dates either.

Off to the next one,
Malin

The power lifted me, so I set me free.

2008-02-13T18:26:00.002-05:00

As you've surely already heard, Heidi Montag, of the reality show, The Hills, fame, is trying to crossover into the music industry. I know a lot about the bizness of pop music, so I feel pretty confident in assessing her singing ability as super super good. Still, I think we can all agree that Heidi's true and most outstanding talents lie in the dance and awkward hand gestures arena.

It's been awhile, multitude of readers.

2008-02-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

I recently took a trip to New York City. While there, I received a fortune cookie. The fortune said: "It's tempting to make promises, but can you fulfill them all?"

Realistically, no, I probably can't. This fortune told me nothing. It wanted me to answer a question, which is a lot like taking a test. Which is a lot like something I don't want to find inside of a cookie. It is maybe calling me a liar, too; I can't tell its tone as it is in written form. Also, it said my lucky numbers were 45, 3, 16, 2, 6, 16 - wrong!* And it said 16 twice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that fortune cookies are not that delicious of a treat.

*It's 5 and sometimes multiples of 5 (never 45).

Attention: Geminis

2008-01-11T22:03:00.000-05:00

I just read in Marie Claire magazine's horoscopes that the next month is going to be a terrible one for all Geminis. I'm gonna go ahead and call it Abysmal-uary. That's how bad it will probably be. For all of you. It's so crazy how the time of year at which you were born controls how good or bad your whole month is! How do they know??! Anyway, I'm sorry, Geminis. There is nothing you can do now but enjoy the rest of January and look forward to your "Power Day," which will take place on Abysmal-uary 2nd. Mine's on the 18th, and I can't wait.

The tiara - not the paper-writing solution we've all been seeking

2008-01-08T14:24:00.000-05:00

You would think that wearing a tiara would make writing my paper a lot easier. News flash: it doesn't. Notice how nothing has changed in the depiction of paper-writing with the tiara from the depiction without one, except for the addition of a head accessory. A useless head accessory. Why do they even make these things? Maybe I should try sitting down. Ergonomically speaking, standing up is no way to write a paper. Also, my arms aren't really reaching the computer.

Resolutions - pointless or great?

2008-01-03T20:42:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna go with great. I resolve to:

1. Do more school work.
2. Listen to cooler music for next year's top songs list.
3. Fold laundry before it has time to wrinkle in that chair in my room.
4. Blog more consistently.
5. Eat more
6. Vegetables.
7. Write more.
8. Be a better friend
9. When it is convenient for me.
10. Spend less time on facebook.
11. Not do that thing where I tell myself that I can study while listening to music only to find out, for the eleventh time, that I can't.
12. Make an effort to see friends outside of my dorm
13. Once the weather has gotten warmer.
14. Read more
15. Snapple Facts.
16. Stop pretending that my brother will one day post again.

This is upsetting to none of you, but I just thought I'd let you know that it might be a while before I post again because I have exams coming up. Or maybe I will post more frequently. My behavior is so unpredictable that even I don't know. "Malin is so crazy and unpredictable," I always hear people say. That is why my '1 for 6' in the crazier ranking on the Compare People facebook application has me so baffled. Everyone, I'm really crazy. And kind, too. Please compare accordingly.

2007's Top Songs

2007-12-30T11:12:00.000-05:00

I decided to write a blog about what I have deemed to be the top songs of this year because all of the other publications I read have been doing it.* This has been a challenge. Under half of this list would I be happy to have my hipster friends read. There is a fine line between jokingly liking shitty, popular music while pretending to be above it and honestly liking it enough to put it on this list. I have erased that line. That's how confidently cool I am.** But seriously, I can't even think of cooler songs to lie about and list instead - that's how much I've listened to and liked the following songs*** this year. The order is not scientific, and the descriptions improve slightly as you get closer to 1.

21. LoveStoned by Justin Timberlake - Justin is talented.
20. The Way I Are by Timbaland - Unconditional love despite the grammar.
19. Happy Ending by Mika - Really any of Mika's songs could go here. I used this as an excuse to let you hear one that you might not have heard yet. Malin, are you always so generous and kind? No, but I try.
18. Friday Night at the Drive-In Bingo by Jens Lekman - He's Swedish, and this song sounds old-timey.
17. West Coast by Coconut Records - Makes me wish I were from the West Coast so I could use this as an anthem. Probably no one will check up on my coast of origin; will be using this as personal anthem from now on.
16. Homecoming by Kanye West feat. Chris Martin - Makes me nostalgic for the beginning of sophomore year and the painting of the ZZ. That's boring for most of you, probably. Sorry!
15. With Every Heartbeat by Robyn - She's Swedish, and you heard her in the 90s.
14. Stronger by Kanye West - When he says 'Dat' repeatedly I feel really cool, and I can't help but bob my head to the right. This is a rare feeling for me, and I probably don't even look as cool as I feel.
13. Gimme More by Britney Spears - She's coming back! First piece of evidence.
12. Heart of Life by John Mayer - It's so pretty! And I hate to say that about songs! And I don't think it came out in 2007, but that's when I heard it, so on the list it goes
11. Bed by J. Holiday - Oh man. Where do I begin? See previous entry on this song.
10. Littlest Things by Lily Allen - My favorite song on this album. It's a little more reflective, a little less bitch. Malin, perhaps you could incorporate that sentiment into your daily life? Shut up.
9. On Call by Kings of Leon - I saw them live, and they were really good. This was my (close) second favorite song that they played, but my favorite ('Milk' off of Aha Shake Heartbreak) did not come out in 2007. Is this song about a prostitute or a dependable friend? Still up for discussion. Not that the two are mutually exclusive.
8. Glamorous by Fergie feat. Ludacris - She had me at 'mustache.' See older entry. Or entries, actually.
7. Clumsy by Fergie - Malin, another Fergie song? And in the top ten? Where is your self-respect? Well, reader, this song = my freshman spring. Not because I'm clumsy but because the love bug always comes right back up and bites me.
6. The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room by Flight of the Conchords - This was my first introduction to FotC and has remained my favorite song of theirs. Well maybe 'Business Time.' I sing this to myself a lot, but in truth, I could never be a part-time model.
5. 1234 by Feist - Feist is fantastic. Listen to her older album, Let it Die, too please.
4. Umbrella by Rihanna - My mom said "Who is this Ree-hannah?" the other day, reading the name. I think my mom is the only person on the planet besides her parents who would ask this, which is surely a testament to how much this song should be on this list. Also check out Chris Brown's Cinderella remix. I hope I am not giving away too much by announcing that he cleverly rhymes 'umbrella' with 'Cinderella.' Yes!
3. Apologize by Timbaland feat. OneRepublic - Leighdra knows what I'm talking about. This song is also great for any time someone attempts to say they're sorry. It's too late to apologize. You just spilled that bag of Swedish fish, and I'm not sure we can ever speak again. EH EH EH. You should be swaying rhythmically at this point.
2. Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse by of Montreal - Come on chemicals! I thought it said "Come on calico" for the first 100 listens. Chemicals sounds much better. Energetic song.
1. Black Like Me by Spoon - This song has several moods/feels/whatever you want to call it, all of which I love. I can never get the "I believed that someone'd take care of me tonight" line out of my head, which is okay by me. I like believing that. That's a live version (obviously). Download/listen to the album version here.

Happy 2008, everyone! Hope your 2007 was as good as you'd hoped.

Next up: New Year's Resolutions.

* Always leading, never following - a motto of mine.
** no i'm not. stil b mai frend plz?
*** I only put one song per artist, so as to give more artists a chance to earn a spot on this highly regarded list. If songs feature someone else, I counted that as a different artist. A thinly veiled plot to get Fergie on here twice, obviously.
ps thanks to cam, jac, another jac, meb, amfm, ph for introducing me to some of these.

Holiday songs - again with the ridiculousness.

2007-12-23T16:25:00.001-05:00

This is how the authors of this blog would look if we saw our mom kissing Santa Claus. Because how can a person kiss a fictional character? That's just one thing I will never understand about the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." You have to admit that witnessing such a display of the blur between fact and fiction would be surprising. Am I in a book? A movie? A play? Those are all the settings for fiction I can think of.

This is also how the authors of this blog wasted a good hour of time trying to take a holiday card photo to send out to their parents' friends. The parents are angry now. Their friends might think they have weird children. Which would be crazy.

Further notes on the aforementioned song:
The song says, repeatedly, "What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!" A laugh? Maybe it's just me, but I've never found infidelity funny. Then again, I have been told that I have a mature sense of humor, so that could be it. I am getting so tired of these offensive Christmas songs.

Happy holidays, everyone! May you enjoy them at home, if possible, and elsewhere if home is not an option, and may no one in your family cheat on anyone else with a fictional character.

Photo credit: Camera with timer sitting on a tripod made taller by stacks of books because Malin didn't realize that the tripod's legs were adjustable.

Define google.

2007-12-17T14:17:00.000-05:00

I often use the Google search function in the toolbar of firefox, which very helpfully autofills suggestions for what I might want to google. I was using the 'define' feature, where you just type in 'define' followed by the word. Not telling you the word because it's one I should have known. Anyway, I thought the autofill suggestions were funny, because I can only assume that this means these are the most popularly searched for definitions. Here are the top 6:

#1 love
#2 agnostic
#3 culture
#4 affect
#5 ethics
#6 integrity

Most of these are explainable.
#1 - Haddaway* googles a lot.
#2 - What are my religious beliefs? I am still searching. Does the term 'agnostic' fit me? Let me search some more.
#3 - I actually can't explain this. Everyone knows the definition of culture. I've never heard of an easier word to define. A culture - it's like for a group. Maybe even for a nation. Yeah, countries and groups of people and those kinds of things have a culture. You know what I mean. Like I said, what an easy definition.
#4 - People are trying to figure out the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' (yay).
#5 and #6 are explainable, but disconcerting. Is what I just did ethical? Well, let's ask google what 'ethics' are. Do you think it's ok that I just stole that money and lied about it? I suppose it would depend on how a google search defines 'integrity,' I'll brb.

I really like Google, but it does not play a major part in my moral decisions. Yet.

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsCXZczTQXo

Feedback?

2007-12-14T16:47:00.000-05:00

My mom says "Bring back the duck!" but she also called this current color brown, when I'm pretty sure it's gray. I could be wrong. I could also just listen to my mom. She's usually right. Should the duck come back?

Edit: Popular demand dictates that the duck stays. And by popular demand I mean that I think the duck should stay, and I am very popular. For some reason I can't get the duck to be full-sized anymore. You get the idea. I'll work on it.

Blog Maintenance

2007-12-14T00:02:00.000-05:00

And by blog maintenance, I mean time for me to figure out how to undo what I messed up with the layout of this thang. The duck might have to go. Even though he's been here all along. Years [or weeks] from now, if the duck is gone, new readers will have no idea what this post is talking about. But that's just me - rewarding the loyal among you who have been here from the start. You all mean the blogworld to me.

Huge news of today: on Facebook, the 'is' in status updates is gone. This changes everything.

No, but actually, when I was trying to think of what to do for my first is-less status update, I could only think of 'is' ones. Malin is so excited that the 'is' is gone. Malin is going home in a few days. Malin is in love with these is-less updates. Malin is not sure what to do without the 'is' there. Malin is a student. Malin is really pretty. Malin is perhaps the greatest human ever to exist. Malin is not lacking in the confidence department. I finally decided to go with "Malin hey there's no is here." Not even a sentence.

What if your home is a one room shack, and the sole appliance, a refrigerator, holds only an old bottle of green ketchup?

2007-12-11T01:54:00.000-05:00

I hate the song "(There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays." Imagine being on the receiving end of this:

Oh, what's that? You are unable to make it home this holiday season? Wow, that sucks. Did you know that home is actually the best possible place to be for the holidays? Yeah, let me sing a song about it for you:

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays.
'Cause no matter how far away your roam,
If you long for the sunshine and a friendly gaze,
For the holidays you can't beat home, sweet home.

I met a man who lived in Tennessee,
And he was looking for
Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie.
Now in Pennsylvania folks are traveling
Down to Dixie's sunny shore.
The Atlantic to Pacific,
Oh, the season is terrific.

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays.
For the holidays you can't beat home, sweet home!

First of all, I would argue that there are much sunnier places than home where I could be headed this holiday season. Secondly, it sounds to me like those guys in Pennsylvania are going to leave before their Tennessee relatives even get there. They will probably pass each other's minivans on the highway and never realize it. Thirdly, 'terrific' is a useless adjective. Mean lyricist, what have you told me about the season by calling it 'terrific'? Nothing at all.

Finally, I propose that we add a verse to this song (if you can even call it that - am I right?). It might go something like this:

But it's cool if you're not home for the holidays,
I understand that unavoidable obstacles arise.
Whoever wrote this song originally was an a-hole;
You'll agree that I am much nicer and more sensitive.

I will figure out a terrific rhyme scheme later.

Only the most careful of no traction readers will catch that this is the second-ever reference to green ketchup. The first was authored by a former contributor, Natanael. Natanael, if you read this, know that we miss your posts. Actually, I've been doing pretty okay. But I think we were put on this Earth to blog, and so, dammit, blog we will.

Oh, the holidays!

2007-12-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

I really wanted to write a shitty, popular music blog today about "Bubbly," but I can't.* I don't think it's shitty, and it puts me in a good mood. What is wrong with me?

Perhaps it is the holiday spirit. I am participating in many Secret Santas (all cleverly renamed to be about the group in which the gifts are exchanged) this season, and I think I'm just generally happy because of that. I'm happy because I know that all this week, people have been thinking about [what gift to get] me - not because they like me or feel the need to express their love for me in the form of a present but because they drew my name out of a hat. Or a bag. Or a pile of papers on a table. It's a pretty awesome feeling, and if you've never felt it, go join some more clubs.** On another note, I am terrible at secret-keeping regarding Santas.

*Attempt: A bubbly face is a good thing? And what's up with her name, am I right? Can't even pronounce it.
I'VE GOT NOTHING.
** Not trying to sound ungrateful; this is just social commentary on how gift-giving today has devolved into obligation. I can comment socially now because I am a Social Studies concentrator. My ideas are really important! And always right!

Popular Music Blog* on John Legend's "Save Room"

2007-11-26T18:56:00.000-05:00

You may be familiar with the above-mentioned song. If not, have a listen. The chorus goes:

Save room for my love.
Save room for a moment to be with me.
Save room for my love, save a little.
Save a little for me.
Won't you save a little?
Save a little for me.

Hey John, why don't you just start showing up to things on time? Your friends hate saving room for you and your love. I bet you don't even have a love; you just don't want anyone sitting next to you. Something about wanting "elbow room." Guess what, John. Everyone's got elbows. Think on that. You're selfish.

*Not a shitty popular music blog (SPMB) because I kind of respect John Legend. Not that I don't appreciate the other artists mentioned here, but did they attend Ivy League schools? No, no they didn't, and that is required to earn my respect.

What a train ride!

2007-11-23T15:50:00.000-05:00

During my train ride to Connecticut for Thanksgiving break earlier this week, I was playing solitaire and listening to my ipod like any work-avoiding passenger would, when on came the song "Glamorous." "Oh no! Malin hates* that one!" is what you're probably thinking. But you are incorrect. I know I have not been entirely complimentary of the song in the past, but I take it all back now for a reason I will reveal in the following paragraph.

You know when you win in solitaire and all the cards shoot out from the top four slots? I do. Anyway, I had just won a game when this song came on.** This is where the miracle occurred: the timing of the song was perfect with the timing of the bouncing of the cards on the bottom of my screen. Like they bounced right as Fergie was spelling the letters in the word glamorous. I can't even explain to you how mind-blowing and triumphant a visual and aural experience this was. For the next two hours I tried to recreate it, but I am afraid the timing was a one-shot deal. Actually I just got tired*** after my third game of solitaire, as I have always been more of a minesweeper person. If this doesn't prove the existence of God, I don't know what does; He works in mysterious - or should I say glamorous - ways. Thank you!!!

* And by hates, I mean pretends to hate.
** I am pretty good at solitaire.
*** Tired of winning, am I right??!

Turkey

2007-11-22T12:37:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, readers!

I hope you like turkey, as it is a commonly served dish on this holiday. I wouldn't complain if they switched it to meatloaf. The cranberry bizness isn't exactly essential either. Go ahead, "Enough traction," call me an ingrate.

I am, in fact, thankful for a lot of things, but this blog is not an appropriate forum to express that. I have to keep up this reputation of cool which I have endeavored so tirelessly to build. Expressing thanks = not cool. I knew you'd understand.

False. They do cry.

2007-11-09T01:59:00.000-05:00

Fergie,

I can think of at least two instances where I have witnessed overweight girls crying.* Get a fact checker.

- Malin

* I maintain that I only said what I said to encourage and motivate, not publicly embarrass.

Does my blog look fat?

2007-10-25T01:24:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine recently directed me to a link with a blog that's gotten me very worried and self-conscious.

The blog, which can be found at http://enoughtraction.blogspot.com/ attempts to reveal logical fallacies in the writing of these socks have no traction and pokes fun of good people who are simply trying to make it in the blogosphere. (Let's be honest for a minute, though, the airtight research and proofreading techniques employed here are going to make that first task pretty difficult.)

In a situation like this, the most obvious parallel I can see is with that story in the bible where the one guy gets jealous of his brother for being a better bee keeper. Second most obvious is the other bible story with the guy who has a really expensive designer coat that makes his friends all super jealous. Religion and recognizing how jealous everyone else is are hobbies of mine.

Anyway, if someone could let me know who's behind this opposing blog, I'd be really grateful. Shout out to Kyle for alerting me to this. Seriously, without friends like him, people would be libeling me all over the internets. Or I just wouldn't know about it.

It's almost like gmail got inside my head.

2007-10-21T02:09:00.000-04:00

"Meet Vampire Guys

Meet Local Vampire Guys Near You. View Profiles 100% Free. Join Now!"

So far, this is my favorite ad to have ever shown up as a related ad in my gmail. Not because it seems so random, but because I have, in fact, been finding the vampire-dating scene around here incredibly overwhelming and tough. Like, when I go out, there are vampires everywhere, but I can never tell if they want me for my blood or if they are actually looking for love. And the good ones are always either gay or taken! (I totally just thought of that myself and am the first person to ever say it! I should do stand up!) Am I right, fellow vampire-seekers? This site will be great.

Also, I have been squinting at my computer for the past hour because the brightness setting had been changed! And by had been changed, I mean I changed it and forgot. Computer problem: solved; vampire-dating problem: remains to be seen, but outlook is positive. Thank you, gmail.

facebook gifts

2007-10-17T01:15:00.000-04:00

i don't get them. they cost a dollar and only exist online. the best gifts in life are really expensive and not online. am i missing something?

I'm tired. Wahhhhh.

2007-10-16T03:09:00.000-04:00

Well, hello everyone. Sorry to disappoint - this is not a real post. This is just to let you know that I will return to the blogosphere as soon as I am not overburdened with my studies. I believe education is my future. Teach me well and let me lead the way. Show me all the beauty I possess inside. There's a song reference for you. Sorry, Whitney.

For now, I leave you with this shitty, popular music post (so it IS a real post!):

Have you heard the current song that says "Wind up" or perhaps "Wind it up" repeatedly? No, you haven't. It actually says "Whine up," which I don't understand. I whine all the time and have never needed anyone to ask me to do it, nor have I ever received a request to "up" it. Maybe I am not a good enough whiner? I will work on that. See title.

Also, the song, by Kat DeLuna, features the reggae/dancehall artist Elephant Man. Elephant Man? You thought that was a good stage name? The real Elephant Man died because he suffocated in his sleep. I question your judgment.

shitty popular music blog!

2007-09-26T16:38:00.000-04:00

This week: J. Holiday's "Bed"

One listen to this song will tell you that J. is a sensitive guy with a slightly-creepy-but-in-that-endearing-way streak. I think we are similar in that. Except for the word 'guy'. My only problem with this song are the lines:

Perfume, spray it there.
Put our love in the air.

Not only are you being super-demanding with all these imperative sentences, J., you are suggesting that love can be bottled. I know, right. Anyone who has ever been in love before (and I have like at least 60 times) would know that love is an abstract noun, or "a noun that refers to an idea, emotion, feeling, or quality that cannot be detected by the five senses," and therefore unbottleable. Last time I checked, smelling was a sense, J. So if you are suggesting that the perfume (an odorous liquid, which I can definitely smell) you have sprayed into the air is actually our love, I'm not buying it.

Then again, this could just be like a big metaphor. Oh... wait.... When you said to me the other day, "You are a beautiful flower," was that maybe a metaphor too? Whoops. Sorry for the yelling. Call me later. Agh, imperative sentence.

Side note: For some reason, my friends at WHRB 95.3 won't play this song when I request it. Music snobs.

This shh is bananas: B-A-N-A- probably gross

2007-09-24T01:07:00.001-04:00

hmm, banana pop? a quiescently frozen confection? these sound delicious and fancy. i hope they are sold in baker's dozens.

only 12?

that stinks.

surprisingly, quiescently does not mean fancily or exquisitely or anything remotely like that. no, it means that the banana pop ingredients were mixed, put in molds, and left to rest while they froze. i didn't know that was how they made banana pops either. i may purchase them now. or just snap a picture or two. but quickly, because these grocery store freezers are chilly.

2007-09-06T15:09:00.000-04:00

Re: DiscreatMeds

Hey Spam,

I would be much more likely to purchase your sneaky medicinal products if your spelling were better. Something for you to think about.

Best,
Malin

2007-08-28T23:03:00.000-04:00

" I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God." - Michael Vick

This Vick-Jesus conversation could only have transpired one way:

"Forgive you? Okie doke. Just between us, though, I'm actually totally fine with the hurting of the dogs - never was a big dog-guy. My ex had this huge-ass dog. Barked too much, thought the entire neighborhood was his personal toilet, all around terrible - even bit me once. Sneak attack from behind, if you can believe it. Cats, though. You start fighting them and I'ma rescind this forgiveness."

"Thank you. I will probably mention your name as often as it is convenient for me to do so for at least the remainder of this year."

"Nothing new. I wish you Me-speed."

2007-08-22T22:19:00.000-04:00

you don't even know my mom, gas station.

class

2007-08-04T20:31:00.000-04:00

If you insist on letting everyone know of your fraternization with famous folk, may I offer this as a legal, more classy alternative to bus signings.

While looking for this, I came across a "Mrs. Pitt" t-shirt that came in men's sizes. It's about time. It feels good to know that God has answered my prayers so quickly. I guess a "Mrs. Pitt" t-shirt in men's sizes was important to Him as well.

I got new sneakers.

god bless

Ne-Yo married a vandal.

2007-08-04T17:44:00.001-04:00

it appears that the wife of popular r&b singer ne-yo rides the same bus as i do!! (see picture on left of back of bus seat with signature.) what are the chances??!

as exciting as this is, however, i must admit that i am concerned for the ne-yos. speaking as one with decades of relationship experience to date, i can tell you that when relationships go regrettably awry*, many turn to illegal substance abuse, while others, like mrs ne-yo here, turn to vandalism. but let us not set down the path toward destruction, mrs ne-yo. when times get difficult for me, do you see me writing mrs ludacris all over buses?

the above paragraph is, of course, irrelevant if the bus driver is simply a huge ne-yo or mrs ne-yo fan who requested that she sign the bus. but the back of the 8th row seat seems like an odd choice of surface, no?

photo credit: malin

* as so many do these days. also, i am saying this down here so as not to undermine the gravity of the above subject matter: "go regrettably awry" is an awesome (and by awesome, i mean really difficult) tongue twister, and i made it up without even trying.**
** actually, in case you were feeling superior, i just tried to say it 3 times really fast and did it perfectly. this is not a retraction of the above proclamation of the awesomeness of the tongue twister; i'm probably just gifted.

2007-07-30T14:27:00.000-04:00

I don't think this is too much to ask. And after a visit from a certain dragon friend of mine, I'm sure you won't either.

Mark your calendar (May 4th is my birthday, in case your facebook breaks (but maybe you should write it down for May 2nd, to remind yourself to begin preparations early (but make sure you denote it correctly, so you won't mistakenly begin working two days in advance, on April 30th (then it would be stale, and your kind thoughts and this post will have been in vain)))).

2007-07-24T20:07:00.000-04:00

I hate to blog about "Glamorous" again, but wait, no I don't. It is a fine, fine tune that I listen to on repeat, in spite of the fact that I am still not a huge fan of her father's sentiments regarding broke asses. Anyway, every time Fergie sings the part:

After the show or after the Grammies
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminiscing on days when I had a Musta...

I always think/hope that she's going to say 'mustache.' That would really be something to be proud of: coming from mustached and meth-addicted all the way to considered-attractive-by-some and not meth-addicted. But she says Mustang.

Edit: I just googled "fergie mustache mustang" and learned that I am not even close to being the only one who has this problem, nor am I anywhere close to being the first to blog about it. I should have better analyzed this masterpiece the first 3,000 times I listened to it.

Harry Potter Puppet Pals - Bothering Snape

2007-07-18T20:46:00.001-04:00

Neville Brothers - Yellow Moon: Relaid Audio

2007-07-18T20:43:00.001-04:00

2007-07-17T20:17:00.000-04:00

Read the last verse of the lyrics for Fergie's "Glamorous," and tell me her dad wasn't an asshole.

Hope you're not sick of me, multitude of readers. Natanael won't post, so I will. And I will probably continue to reference shitty pop music (see K-Ci & JoJo below, Fergie above) until he does.

2007-07-10T20:32:00.000-04:00

happy don't step on a bee day. google that or refer to this website, if you don't believe me: helpful website. i made a really big effort not to step on any bees today. it required a lot of hopping and careful maneuvering, but it was totally worth it in the end.

the picture up there is from my 4th of july. i bet you're thinking exactly what i was thinking when i thought as fast as lightning and captured the image. dog in a t-shirt!!!1 hilarious!!!! except that he is the most unpatriotic dog i have ever seen. green? really, dog? spare us. go back home and bring me a potato. or at least let someone else choose your outfit next year.

2007-07-05T11:02:00.001-04:00

Hope everyone had a sweet 4th of July. I know I did. I will post pictures of my crazy time shortly. I have recently rediscovered K-Ci & JoJo. It makes me wonder how I've been living for the 9 years since the 5th grade skating rink party/K-Ci & JoJo-filled days.

Does it get any better?

2007-07-03T11:03:00.000-04:00

People have been reading this blog. Could this be a result of my posting it on my away message and facebook, news sources read by millions a day? Possibly. I gave up on expecting people to wonder if those von Euler-Hogans had a blog and test out URLs until they found it, and boy am I glad. Thanks, readers. Keep those comments coming.

Edit: When I wrote that, I meant that around 40 people had looked at it. The counter is now lying. And I don't appreciate it.

2007-06-30T19:59:00.000-04:00

The T-Rex was actually quite vicious. I would be honored to be compared to such a forceful creature.

2007-06-30T19:42:00.000-04:00

I often find myself experiencing the following uncomfortable position:
I am sitting in a booth at a restaurant between two people. I then order something that requires use of both the knife and the fork. However, in order to use both and to avoid hurting my neighbors, I have to hold my elbows in close to my body, causing my wrists to bend in a pansy-like fashion. It also makes me feel like a T-rex (probably the second pansiest animal ever to walk the earth, after the Komodo dragon).

But usually after experiences like this, I happen to walk by a car with a bumper sticker reading "1 Cross + 3 Nails = 4given,"* and realize that some things in life are more important**.

Am I alone in this T-rexperience?

*true story.
** the opposite of *.

2007-06-29T16:31:00.001-04:00

I am currently drinking a snapple green tea, and the fun fact that they so graciously provided for me is this: "The city of Los Angeles has 3x more automobiles than people." Impressive? Sad? Both?

Ever since my dad gave in to the magic bullet infomercial, we've been eating guacamole. In my not so humble opinion, guacamole is a very underrated dip/condiment. I blame the green ketchup makers for the public's aversion to guacamole. Many would-be-guacamole consumers don't eat this green, garlicy masterpiece because of conversations or internal thought processes like the following:

Would-be-guacamole consumer: Hey what is that green, pasty concoction? It sort of reminds me of green ketchup (worst idea ever). I better stay away from it.

While this may not be the exact thought process behind your decision to avoid guacamole, I'm sure it has something to do with how shitty green ketchup is/was.

I've been listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

2007-06-28T17:00:00.000-04:00

Thou shalt walk in the valley of socks of no traction and note its slipperiness.
- Cletus 5:04

guys, i found jesus, and Him is awesome.

Natanael, let me know if this is offensive.

2007-06-18T13:19:00.000-04:00

sorry. i meant yu-gi-oh! conventions.

2007-06-05T13:47:00.001-04:00

that's bullshit. I've been banned from the convention since the incident in '95.

2007-06-05T01:13:00.000-04:00

sorry to leave you hanging, readers. we're still here, still blogging. tanael's been really busy with the pokemon conventions, but he's promised that he will start posting soon.

2007-05-30T12:39:00.000-04:00

the traffic this blog has generated is almost too much to handle.

test

2007-05-28T01:20:00.000-04:00